that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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