you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
