On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We left an ass print on the piano.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
