so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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