Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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