Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
