i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
