You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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