i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
