You're my little dorito
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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