Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Hippo gnu deer
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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