chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Randomize
