left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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