It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
