your parents love me but you hate me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i think i have herpe
just one?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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