You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
