I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Panties = found
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
