i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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