i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
