Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
