I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
