The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
