You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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