She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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