awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
