I am puke
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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