Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
