Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
