Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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