my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
