the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
