She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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