if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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