the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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