I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dignity is for republicans.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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