Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
