we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
