Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
