if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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