I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I need a burrito and a hug.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
