Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
