Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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