the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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