Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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