he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
