I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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