My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
