i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
