you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
