Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
