My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
