I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
