She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
