Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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