She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
