I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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