Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
