I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You took a bar mat shot.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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